The Earth Moved for Moi!

20 Aug

Went to the dentist on Friday. I had been putting off the regulatory 6 monthly check up for months because:

1. I was financially insolvent and

2. I was too chicken to tell the dentist I had broken my bottom plate on a boat in Vietnam, whilst in the company of some very unsavory fellow Australians (don’t ask!)

Anyways, I girded my dental loins on Friday and marched forth to my fate.

I needn’t have worried about the broken fangs, because apparently it would be a quick fix to stick the plate back together,

Assured on that point, I relaxed and sank back into the chair as its head half was lowered.

After an injection and a few other dental type procedures, the chair was raised again.

Whoa! The earth started moving! I mean moving! It was moving from side to side and rocking madly.

This was either:

1. An earthquake OR

2. The chair was about to fly off its moorings because someone had forgotten to tighten its mounting bolts OR

3. I had been overcome by the hunkiness of my dentist. OK, I will admit that he is seriously cute and young and has a heck of a lot going for him in the babe magnet market.

Well, seeing as neither the dentist nor the nurse seemed to be unduly concerned, the cause could not be 1 or 2. That left 3. However, since I have been spayed/desexed or whatever you want to call that operation, it was also not going to be option 3.

Dismissing the phenomenon as a passing aberration I sank back down into the chair (why can’t you buy lounge chairs like this?) so that the babe magnet could continue his intimate oral ministrations.

Up came the chair again and again the Earth moved – even more violently than before.

Maybe it was a bad batch of Novocaine? (Novocaine and moi have had a somewhat checkered career, due to a series of dentists and dental operations. Frankly I wish dentistry would invent an improvement on Novocaine and its distinctly heart-racing side effects. I mean, seriously, Novocaine is old news and we have moved on from the 19th or 20th Century. It’s not NOVO any more ;))

Whatever! I assumed it was all a product of a febrile mind, due to doing mental gymnastics with databases at work (database stuff has always caused me to come out in spots)

I took a few deep breaths and pretending all was normal I lurched out of the room.

I lurched even more dramatically towards the reception desk to pay my bill. Thankfully there were solid surfaces (which did not move) on my progression to that lovely, solid reception desk.

Even more thankfully the Spouse was waiting for me. I can thank this on the fact that we had spent the day kid sitting one of our really, totally, wonderful three grandsons and had used the one vehicle. This meant the Spouse had had to drop me off at the dentist and had to pick me up.

After paying the bill, I whispered to the Spouse that I was a tad discombobulated, so he grabbed my arm. We then proceeded arm in arm from the surgery.

Now came the fun part.

In order to pay cheaper parking fees, we had parked Grumpy Wooz (see below) in a carpark a few blocks away. It was Friday night. Lots of folks were out in the city, celebrating at bars and restaurants around town.

The Spouse had to hold me up as I lurched left and right almost knocking over people in my path.


After that mortifying exhibition, there were two more days of drunken, dizzy lurching. This was a lost weekend with a vengeance!

Having come to the conclusion that my instability was not due to a bad dose of Novocaine, I lurched into the surgery to see my tame GP today.

He was able to allay my fears and prescribe a fix. I would like to say that my affliction was a rare and fascinating one, but alas, it is just a common garden variety one and easily fixable with a bit of good old tincture of time.


Dizzy Lizzy

PS – Grumpy Wooz – New car looks like an angry/grumpy frog/toad front on. Also Mazda’s catchphrase has been “Zoom Zoom” for ages and it is emblazoned on the owner’s manual. I had been reading the hefty owner’s manual and looked at the cover upside down so that the logo appeared as “Wooz Wooz”

“The one constant in life is absurdity” – Woofie – 30/4/02

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