My Kingdom for a New Eyeball!

23 Mar

I am rather one-eyed – mentally and physically…
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A couple of weeks ago I went to the local optician to get some new glasses, cuz my current ones are not doing the job any more. The optician dude checked my eyeballs, shook his head sadly and said he could not do anything much for me and sent me off to the eyeball doc.

The fizzical part (to keep a long story short) is due to a lazy eye, which also happened to have a bloody insect fly in to it a few years back. The result of this was an eye which is pretty well stuffed.
That’s OK, cuz me dominant eye is good – or rather, was good till I got to be a dribbling, drooling geriatrick. I now have two problems – collapsed eyelids which means I only see out of the bottom part of me good eyeball, which is getting buggered up due to advancing decrepitude.

The solution is to fix up me good eyeball, BUT, me eyeball doc refuses to do it (unless I apply torture devices to his corporeal form). This is because if he buggers up I will go blind and will need one of them cute seeing eye dogs or whatever.

He wants me to wait another six months. Another six months of having to get the Spouse drive me everywhere when the light is poor. Another six months of trying to read fine print with a magnifying glass. Another six months of being embarrassed at the check out cuz I can’t read the card reader gadget and so on. Yes, I do appreciate his hesitation and he will fix up the “good” eyeball in “the fullness of time” – ie when I am too gaga to even notice.

The second option is to stitch up me collapsed eyelids so I can see a bit better. This is a no brainer to me, but docs are bleedin idjits. When I went to see him, blurrily and in desperation on Monday he told me he could not fix me failing eyeball, without giving himself nightmares in case it all went wrong, but that I might wake up in the middle of the night and have an epiphany and demand something be done and and it is now one week later, so I just sent him this :

Dear Eyeball Doc,
Last week you suggested that I might wake up in a week in the middle of the night and have an epiphany and scream “Eureka!” as per Kekule and Carbon bonds).

Well , I have and I did!

An addition to your 6 month compromise – What about a “pin and tuck” of both eyelids? This would:
1. Cure the headaches I am currently suffering from trying to open my eyes to see things.
2. Might help me see things, which are currently a dark blur. This means I will not make the embarrassing mistake of adding frozen bloodworm cubes (tropical fish food) instead of mini ice block cubes to a scotch on the rocks – Yes!! I actually did do this once!
3. Restrain my Spouse from divorcing me because he is sick of reading fine print for me and driving me everywhere after dark..
4. Be very low risk, because it does not involve the eyes themselves.
5. Allow me to make money being a commercial eye care product model with my new super-open-startling eyeballs.
6. Become a world famous photographer because I will be able to see what I am pointing my camera at. It could also save me from law suits or arrest by accidentally snapping things I shouldn’t…

OK, the “eye” ball is now in your court – please excuse this pun, but I could not resist 
Regards.
Yours in blurry desperation – Woof 🙂

4 thoughts on “My Kingdom for a New Eyeball!

  1. And….the response? (I suppose I need to be patient and wait, but my time isn’t getting longer, either…)

  2. Ha ha ha ha, love your writing Woofie! looking forwards to you seeing better. Pancho says that he´s fed up of you trying to mop the floor with him. 🙂

  3. Don’t hold your breath!! Cuz I doubt I will get any reply at all.
    No problemo – I will just sic my tame GP onto him!! 🙂

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